Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
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Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
This line from Airplane.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Breaking news:
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks