Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
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To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.