Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
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I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
When I pack too much for a short trip.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
He-man has a Masters degree
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it