Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
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[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop