ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
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Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
I know this now 😂
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.