ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
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Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.