ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
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Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!