ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
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she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Chicago sounds lovely.
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”