Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
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7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..