me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
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I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
I’m an avid indoorsman.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.