me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
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I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
just having fun
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?