Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
You Might Also Like
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now