Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
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I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Noted.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.