ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
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The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}