Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
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Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone