@TeaAndCopy

ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon

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@better_off_dad2

New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75

Never talking to anyone:

Priceless.

@AnOrangeSNES

“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.

@CulturedRuffian

Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.

@QwertyJones3

My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.

“What did you do?”

We finally found a happy medium

@mactx85

I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.

@robdelaney

Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?

@marinhubka

You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…

[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!

*kid faints*

@JennyJohnsonHi5

One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.

@tattednwild

My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.

… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.

@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.

Me: What am I?

4-year-old: In the way.