ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon

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New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75

Never talking to anyone:



“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.


Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.


My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.

“What did you do?”

We finally found a happy medium


I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.


Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?


You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…

[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!

*kid faints*


One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.


My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.

… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.


4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.

Me: What am I?

4-year-old: In the way.