Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
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When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
oh no, steve’s working tonight
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.