Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
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I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family