Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
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Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??