Me: I’ll take 1 pound of slommy please.
Deli clerk: Um, do you mean salami?
Me (unable to admit when I’m wrong): You call yourself an Italian deli, and you don’t have slommy? Ridiculous.
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i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning