Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
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People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago