Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
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Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?