me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
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I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter