Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.

It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”

A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”

A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”

Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.

Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No

Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?

Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.

sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.

I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.

Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:

*walks into a nuclear power plant

Do you serve fission chips?

I’ll see myself out..

And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”

Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?

Wife: Yes

Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards

Wife:

Me: *crying* I get it now, babe

Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.

Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law

Doug is just Canadian for dog

When my cat gets in trouble I call him by his full name, Catthew.

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.

It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed

Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.

[job interview]

“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”

Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?

Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.

My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness.

That came out of nowhere.

Good point.

Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet

Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority

Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight

FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”

Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.

Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.

Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law

By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.

When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking