Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
You Might Also Like
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Monday?
No. Next question.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
Just as the prophecy foretold
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]