ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
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Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
*exercises sarcastically*
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential