Me: I’m a haredresser

Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?

Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?

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Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over


Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then


WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man


Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!


“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”

-no girl ever


*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again


When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”


i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve


Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.


HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-