Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
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as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.