@1followernodad

Me: I’m a scorpion.

Date: You mean scorpio?

Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.

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@Girl15Gone

Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!

Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…

Him: Ok,enough FFS.

Me: oooo, angry!

@Mom_Overboard

[During sex]

Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*

Him: Ok… Wanna role play?

Me: Sure, you’re a musician

Him: Oooh! Which one?!

Me: Bono

Him: Why Bono?

Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.

@Reverend_Scott

Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.

“Why’s that?”

Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.

@TEXASVETERAN

I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.

@PaperWash

donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!

waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-

[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce

@DanMentos

*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”

@50ShadesGran

Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.

@badbanana

Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.

@chuuew

ME: You win some, you lose some

WIFE: Where are the kids