Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
You Might Also Like
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar