@Mr_Mike_Clarke A little too much information.
@1followernodad Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
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@Mr_Mike_Clarke 
@Girl15Gone Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
@Mom_Overboard [During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
@Reverend_Scott Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
@TEXASVETERAN I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
@PaperWash donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
@DanMentos *calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
@50ShadesGran Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
@badbanana Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
@chuuew ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids