Me: I’m a scorpion.

Date: You mean scorpio?

Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.

You Might Also Like


Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!

Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…

Him: Ok,enough FFS.

Me: oooo, angry!


[During sex]

Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*

Him: Ok… Wanna role play?

Me: Sure, you’re a musician

Him: Oooh! Which one?!

Me: Bono

Him: Why Bono?

Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.


Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.

“Why’s that?”

Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.


I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.



waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-

[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce


*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”


Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.


Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.


ME: You win some, you lose some

WIFE: Where are the kids