ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
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I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Love this guy
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?