ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
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annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
Saturday
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH