Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
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Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
nice challenge
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored