Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
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“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.