ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
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I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.