ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
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If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird