me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately

doctor: can you give me an example

me: of what

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If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.


Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?

Me: Wanna buy my book?

Them: No.

Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.


I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.


Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.


Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious


You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one


My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”


The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.


A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.


My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”