me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately

doctor: can you give me an example

me: of what

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A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.


Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”


Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.


When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.


At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.


forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10


My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.


People who think it’s okay to drop by,

It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.


im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…