@seancehat

me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately

doctor: can you give me an example

me: of what

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@mrtruthandsoul

If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.

@TheDjinnTrials

Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?

Me: Wanna buy my book?

Them: No.

Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.

@kelkulus

I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.

@MelvinofYork

Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.

@J0hnnyBlaze

Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious

@PrettyInCamo11

You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one

@murrman5

My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”

@MelvinofYork

The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.

@LuvPug

A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.

@SaltyMacTavish

My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”