me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
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I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
Realize this:
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS