ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
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If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
They did not miss in the small print
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Finally
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.