Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
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I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence