Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
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[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?