Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
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What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.