Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
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If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
A wise man once said nothing.
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.