Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
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[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.