Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
You Might Also Like
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Those are good neighbors.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER