Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
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At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
Meowchelangelo
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
birds and squirrels envy us
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.