Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
You Might Also Like
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
🤣
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.