Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
You Might Also Like
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.