Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
You Might Also Like
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS