Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
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Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
SM: *starts sweating*
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
we did it you guys we saved daylight
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied