Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
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Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me: