Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
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He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
house sitting!
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
it must be school picture day
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
There’s only one good girl here!
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.